Sam Geballe

 
 

Self-Untitled

Mar 2 - Apr 1, 2023

In 2014, I had gastric bypass and my life radically changed. Most of my excess weight lifted within a year. The changes were drastic. Being alive was unbelievably easier. I could breathe, but I was also devastated to learn I had no idea who I was.

Fear quickly filled the space where my body had been. My walls were gone. I did not know how to respond to others. I often reacted as if I were still in a bigger body. I felt unsafe. I was angry.

For years, I believed I had to atone for having been big, occupying space, for the food I was eating, and merely for existing. I wanted to disappear. I leveraged my past as reason why I should not trust others or myself. I was afraid I would lose control, lose my breath, and lose my life.

It is difficult for me to believe these are my self-portraits. They feel distant and unrecognizable. Depersonalization is a defense I use to avoid pain but avoiding pain forces me to keep it. It is not a key to good living.

I started Self-Untitled to help alleviate shame I had for my body, build connection, and humanize myself to others. That is still true, but now, self-portraiture is also a way I process life. It is a practice of self acceptance. It is a daily conversation and reminder that I deserve to take up space.

I do not need to apologize for my existence.



Sam Geballe (American, b. 1988, they/them/theirs) is a trans genderqueer artist living and working in the San Francisco Bay Area. Sam’s involvement in art began in early childhood, and they have frequently used creative expression as a means of communication and connection to their self and others. In 2013, Sam began work on a self-portrait series, Self-Untitled. The series explores themes of body-image, memory, gender, trauma, and healing. In addition to photographs, Sam incorporates bookmaking, drawing, filmmaking, and music composition. They continue their self-portraiture work as a daily practice and on-going memoir.


Read this interview between Corianton Hale from Portland Mercury and Sam Geballe about their exhibition Self-Untitled.